A Place I Called Home
Before everything changed because of COVID-19, I was already nostalgic for things that were yet to come. I remember telling my friends that I did not want to talk about graduation until after our last day of classes.
In the years prior, I had seen so many of my friends go through this rite of passage that I placed myself into their memories from time to time. I envisioned how it would feel to hug the people that had truly changed my life. I have always struggled with finding the words to properly express my gratitude and love, so for me, those hugs I would have been my way of sharing that feeling with others.
These memories were never my own though, and that was a tough pill to swallow. I replayed their lives in my mind because I wanted to prepare myself for the inevitable, I just never imagined that my story would end without necessary closure.
It’s funny because I did not miss the “big” moments. It was pretty ok that I could not climb the bell tower, or celebrate my last day of classes, or even sit inside Kenan for graduation. What I yearned for were those late-night walks, sunny Tuesday afternoons on the quad, Maple View sunsets, and spontaneous dinners. Those small and seemingly mundane moments made my experience what it was. I missed them more than anything, I still do.
For a while, time slowed down, then it began to slip through my fingers, and eventually, seemed to dissipate. I struggled to find some sense of peace with the reality of our times. In my final weeks in Chapel Hill, I walked around every afternoon, taking pictures of the things I had not noticed before. I slowly rediscovered this place and fell in love with it once again.
If I learned anything at UNC, it’s that my sense of place hinges on the people who bring them to life for me. The relationships I formed over the years transcended the limitations I felt during quarantine as they became songs, feelings, colors, memories. Over the summer, I took the time to reflect on the past before moving forward with the next chapter. The following is a collection of stories and thoughts about the people who made Chapel Hill a place I was so fortunate to call home.
I know these streets like the back of my hand. As I packed up my room, drove around Chapel Hill, and visited the homes of those I cherish most in the pouring rain, it finally began to settle in that I had to say goodbye to the place I came to know as home. Leaving feels unnerving, and I know there will be a gap in my heart that I’m going to have to figure out how to fill. But if there’s anything I have learned, the sadness that I’m currently overwhelmed by is a testament to everything I have enjoyed over the past four years.
Tori was the first person I said goodbye to this morning. We shared so many walks up this street after our classes, nights out, and coffee breaks.
I met Tori in my second year at UNC, but it wasn’t until our junior year that we became friends. We were initially brought together as collaborators (for projects we shall not name) and appreciated the ability we possessed as a team to bring complex and beautiful ideas to life.
After spending a summer apart, where we constantly checked up on each other despite being on opposite sides of the country, we came back to Chapel Hill closer than ever. That year, we built an installation that will likely give us some form of ailment later in our lives, we cried over our inability to learn After Effects, and in time, she became my “work wife.” Thank you for letting me dream with you and for always pushing me into uncomfortable situations – they’ve been some of the greatest growth experiences of my life. I am so grateful for a friendship like yours.
And before I hit the road, since I’m already well behind schedule, I wanted to share a quote she sent to me a while ago that I keep coming back to: “Sensitivity is a sign of life. Better hurt than hardened. I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. After all the misguided warriors destroy each other, the open-hearted will inherit the earth.” — Jeff Brown
May 29, 2020
Chapel Hill shaped me. It guided me to my people, inspired my dreams, and showed me true freedom.
My mom sent me a letter this morning and I was particularly moved by this little quote: “I’ve come to realize that we weren’t created to hold our heart intact, but rather share it with others. Just when you think it’s breaking, it seems as if the more parts you give away, the more your heart grows. A piece of your heart will always remain in Chapel Hill.” — Mom
Good friendships, to me, should be a balancing act between giving and taking. As I reflect on all the love I’ve put into my friendships, I am finding solace in the realization that I’ve given bits and pieces of myself to everyone I’ve crossed paths with. They shared their lives with me, and in return, I shared a piece of mine with them.
When I think about the pieces of my heart that will remain in Chapel Hill, I immediately think of the people I’ve met that are sticking around for another year or two or three. As I take their stories with me wherever I end up next, I know that the stories I shared with them will end up right back in our place this Fall.
To AT, Anshu, Ben, Carly, the Caroline’s, Chandler, Drew, Dylan, Helen, Jack, JJ, John, Kaki, Luke, Miles, Nisarg, Raheem, Sammy, Silas, Smitty, Zoe, and SO many others, thank you for the gift of your friendship, I’ve so enjoyed growing alongside y’all. These years of collaboration, hugs, laughs, coffee dates, late-night conversations, and love have been the best in my life. I feel humbled that my little drop in Chapel Hill can ripple through y’all.
May 29, 2020
Since leaving Chapel Hill, my mind has been quite active. Thinking, learning, reflecting, growing. I have been stuck on one central question though: What do I have to offer?
Some days, I run around in circles to no avail, and I usually end up more tired than when I began. Other times, I chase down any semblance of an answer, reach countless dead ends, and usually end up more frustrated than when I began.
I just finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie this morning. It is a little book about life itself – a delicate and intimate read that packs a punch. I scribbled a bunch of quotes and reflections into my journal, but one moment, in particular, stuck with me: “Devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.” – Morrie Schwartz
I was reminded of the gift that is the present and of all the joys that come with simply being alive. As I finished the book, I felt a release of sorts.
The answer to my question is simple: An open heart, my open heart, that’s what I can offer.
I had many of these ah-ha moments while walking down Ransom Street late at night. The little stretch between McCauley and Vance always seemed to carry me home. With each step I parsed through a million moments, thinking through each interaction, each thought. And by the time I reached the corner, with the green Vance street sign, I had found some sense of peace with that day.
A cathartic close. And then out of nowhere, a euphoric burst that pushed me down the road until I arrived back home.
Things seem to be a bit more drawn out these days. I’m in the midst of a cathartic close, and now, as I can see the corner, and can feel the road turning towards home, I can only prepare for what’s to come.
June 14, 2020
“When you’re going to make choice after choice: What are you passionate about? What causes you discomfort? And it may seem like those are two opposing ideas, but I think they are really about stretching yourself to make choices that are not always safe.”
I cut out this little tidbit of advice from a booklet over four years ago and though I find myself writing in my childhood bedroom once again, this quote means so much more to me now than it did as a wide-eyed incoming college student.
From global affairs, to journalism, to branding, and onto creative arts, my journey has not always made sense to most people (and probably, still does not). I asked myself these questions whenever I started to lose the fervor I once possessed for a certain path. Ultimately, fomenting a never-ending process of self-discovery and transformation.
Making each of those leaps would have been nearly impossible without my “champions” – people that have peered into my heart and truly believe in my dreams.
Lizzie Russler has been my champion for as long as I can remember. She has pushed me, provided me with the space to feel heard, and helped me navigate my shortcomings. There are few people as idealistic, passionate, and hardworking as she is. So, when we found ourselves in spaces that demanded our collaboration, we put our minds and hearts together in the hopes of creating something with purpose.
From New Delhi and Jaipur to the West Coast, we took on the world – it was pretty magical. But my most beloved memories with Lizzie were inside the Foundation during our brief or hours-long coffee chats throughout the day. As most people noted, we were attached by the hip in our final year… what I would give for another one of those afternoons with you.
To find your champions, like Lizzie is for me, is to find the people who relentlessly support you in all of your endeavors. No matter the odds, I know Lizzie will always have my back. She is my best friend, and I am a better person because of her.
The reflections I have already shared, and the ones that follow this one, honor my champions and their lasting impact on my life.
June 18, 2020
Bailey, we watched this tree, our tree, grow and change over the year. At our final brunch together, we quickly mentioned how proud we were to see her so full, so green, so lively once again. And after staring up at her before we said goodbye, we both smiled big.
This tree is a simple encapsulation of our friendship. A great story marked by four stages of change — each as important as the one that came before it. I left Chapel Hill feeling a lot like this tree: full of life and rooted in place.
What a beautiful way to reflect on our experience.
Thank you Bailey for teaching me how to give to those I love while taking care of myself. You taught me to see the beauty in small things and to appreciate all the bits of joy this life has to offer. You radiate such pure light on all those you come into contact with, how lucky we all are.
I can’t wait to continue growing with you — always giving and taking in the perfect quantities. I am invigorated for the next chapter, one that will only be the continuation of a story we’ve already started to write together.
June 23, 2020
“Sunlight feels good now, don't it?
I don't have a leaving plan
But something's gotta ease your mind”
— RABi by Bon Iver
I listened to this song today and thought of Rabina, or BEANA (as I would scream all over Chapel Hill as those caps illustrate), who added this quote at the end of a letter she wrote to me in May.
After spending a good amount of time in the outdoors, I started thinking about sunlight. I love to just close my eyes, staring up at the sky, and wait until a sort of healing comes over me. It’s invigorating, pulsating through me quite physically as energy.
Rabina is one of those special people who exudes energy – hers is a lot like sunshine, it truly does ease my mind. You see, Rabina and I have developed a sort of connection, which we joke about all the time, that typically results in a sentimental type of giddiness that we like to call “cry/dance.” We would take the dreary days, talk and cry it out, and create our own little patch of sunlight to dance on.
For me, sunshine has become something worth seeking out. With lots of patience and a bit of humility, I sit with these feelings for a moment and let them revel inside of me with the sun as a comforting force. Approaching your loved ones with similar care is one of the most important things I have learned while developing a friendship, as pure, vulnerable, and damn enjoyable as ours.
So even though my plans seem to remain in a constant state of flux, I know that wherever this journey leads me next, the sunshine will always be there for me to find… always reminding me of Beana. Thanks for shining your light on me.
June 29, 2020
I read something interesting today, it was about being a part of something, but not always feeling of it – a worthy distinction to make that oftentimes gets lost. I have learned that there is a stark contrast between being welcomed in a group and knowing, deep down, that you belong.
When Griffin asked me to live with him out of the blue for our junior year, it was one of those moments of belonging. I didn’t know him that well, I even remember some of our mutual friends mentioning how confused they were by the pairing, but something in me knew it would work out.
Though he quickly became like a brother to me, it’s crazy to think that at one point in my life it was not like that. And now, two years later, I have never lived with anyone as long as I did with him (other than Javier of course).
Sharing the world by Griffin’s side has been one of my greatest joys. All of those movies and tv shows, laughs and hugs, late-night walks towards home and morning drives to Chick-fil-A… they’ll be ingrained in my mind forever. It was two years of constant fun; I could not have asked for it to be any other way.
Few people know how to lift my spirits like you do Griff. Thanks for always being there (like literally), for cheering me on and lifting me up, for showing me how to embrace life with a little more zest. People always seem to talk about my energy, but as we both know very well, it comes in wild bursts. Now your energy Griffin is something special. It is constant and unrelenting, and because of that, it endures.
July 5, 2020
My college experience was the tale of summers. How privileged I was to take pauses from the life I knew. Exhilarating and challenging pauses that provided me with the opportunity to unabashedly focus on myself, uncover the depths of my heart, and map out the dreams I was conjuring in my mind. To explore a new place and develop a profound relationship with it, while manifesting this growth, is the greatest gift I could have ever asked for.
Now, these summers would not be the same without Shawen.
Shawen was around for two of the most important “pauses” of my life. Cape Town and Boston. Summers that were sandwiched between the liberating first chapter and awe-inspiring conclusion of this great tale.
From Observatory to Dexter Park, there are few people I share as many truly happy memories as I do with her. Countless cups of coffee, crowded T rides, beautiful hikes, and Vine references later, I know I have a lifelong friend in Shawen – we are here for one another regardless of where life takes us, even when it seems like we’ve hit rock bottom. And if you don’t believe me, I couldn’t fathom the mere possibility of going a full summer without seeing her, so I booked an overnight bus last July to spend a few days with her in San Francisco.
It’s been quite the journey thus far. I can’t wait to see what adventures we embark on next. Your heart is so big and patient, thanks for taking all those steps with me. All gratitude and love for you my friend.
PS: If there’s someone out there who you love or miss, let them know! Life is fleeting… the world around us changes and morphs more quickly than we’re ever able to fully grasp. Like these waves, we overcome, settle, and build up again when the time is right. We get to choose love over all else, so why wait? Today, and hopefully for all the days yet to come, appreciate the people in your life.
July 8, 2020
No one enjoys a good day on the roof as much as Logan does. I was quite skeptical at first… not because I didn’t like the idea of sitting on a roof, but because I didn’t like the idea of sitting on our roof. Logan seemed unfazed by that and would get up there, get his fix of sunshine, and come down energized for whatever the day had in store. And per usual, he was so right. Those afternoons on the roof were some of the best of my last semester.
This is just a small example meant to illustrate how much of a positive impact Logan has had on my life. From the moment we met in the Spring of our first year, we were two peas in a pod.
Logan shared his love of hibachi (this post is sponsored by Benihana™), excitement about whatever songs were in the rotation that week, and interest in complex philosophical concepts with me. He’s inspired me through his relentless quest for learning, one that is largely self-driven. He’s filled me with ease and hope for our world, even when he discusses the bleakest of realities. And along the way, we traveled to and from San Francisco more than we should have, booked various impulsive trips (thinking of you Jamaica), driven down every road in Chapel Hill with the sunroof open and windows down, and wreaked havoc on the proverbial town time and time again.
He’s been my greatest confidant – someone I know I can rely on for anything. He’s been that source of energy, laughter, and joy that I either desperately needed after a long week (think cold brew) or one that perfectly matched my enthusiasm (think red bull). He’s been a true supporter of me and my worth, something I’ll be more grateful for than I can ever properly express.
This is for you, Logan. Thanks for being my person all this time.
July 14, 2020
Schuyler, I hope you can hear me shouting your name all the way from Miami. This picture encapsulates a lot of Schuyler’s essence for me – the dress, the Carolina Blue, the bike, the morning sun, and not to mention, this was taken right in front of Phillips.
I remember first hearing about Schuyler from Lizzie and Bailey towards the end of our first year. All I knew about her then was that she was going off to France to live her best life on a farm for the summer. It all seemed pretty magical, and for a while, she lived in my mind with this sort of mystique.
It wasn’t until the following Spring that I actually got to know her and know her well – a camping trip in Joshua Tree and a drive up the Pacific Coast Highway seemed to seal the deal for us rather quickly. This friendship took off and I never really looked back. We planned annual trips to San Francisco in the Fall, we enjoyed springtime pool days and picnics, we walked around Washington DC in the sweltering July heat, and we danced without a care in the world in the middle of a Charleston park before Christmas this year.
Schuyler cares deeply about her people and strives to make sure that they feel loved regardless of the circumstance. Around Thanksgiving this year, she invited a bunch of us to her house for a lovely dinner. Taking it all in, I sat there in gratitude for her – the person that had made all this possible. It’s a memory I’ll always cherish. And that’s just one example, Schuyler did that time and time again. She held space for moments like this and helped me recognize how important they are.
I miss the way you feed into my antics and the way you talk about nerdy things. Thanks for being my muse and for believing in me like no other. You’re a forever friend.
July 20, 2020
Sunrise at Kenan on May 10, 2020. I had been living in a state of limbo for what had already felt like an eternity, and in these brief moments, while sitting on the field, watching the sun pop over the stadium, I felt a certain warmth that I had forgotten about.
To Rishika, what a joy it was to share this first light with you.
It’s crazy to think that Rishika, of all people, was a stranger just two years ago. Though every friendship begins in that way, propelled forward by awkward conversations, chance interactions, or the usual amalgamation of friend circles, it’s hard for me to remember when that spark ignited for us. Maybe that makes me a bad friend, but I truly feel like she’s always been there for me, and for everyone I came to love at Carolina.
Our relationship has been organic from the very first day, effortlessly growing as the years went by. We danced at concerts. We created ridiculous soundboards that became a part of our everyday vocabulary. We embraced our wholesome chaos. We escaped to all parts of the United States. We laughed and read and wrote and listened to good music on the BD lawn and Smoothball porch. We’ve done that and so much more. It’s been a dream to have you by my side on this great adventure.
Rishika, you are one of the most determined individuals I’ve ever met, you’ve shown me that the fruits of labor truly do pay off. And even amid your craziness, you always seemed to find time for everyone else: asking about their lives, their goals, their wishes. You are truly one of the best friends I’ve ever had, and much like that morning, every time I see you, I’m filled with a warmth so familiar.
PS: Visiting Chapel Hill and getting to see some of my dearest friends was such a treat. Being there as an alumnus was odd for sure, but it felt alright. Things seemed to begin moving forward. While reminiscing about these joyous times, I was reminded that my friendships are not going anywhere, they are only growing stronger with distance and time.
August 4, 2020
To the one and only Olivia Zitkus, how fitting it is to reflect on our friendship with a collection of pictures taken around He’s Not Here and inside the Dean Dome — two of our favorite spots.
I met Olivia while rushing Franklin Street after UNC beat Duke in March 2016. I simply could not make sense of this beautiful chaos as I had never experienced anything quite like it. Yet in those moments, I was enveloped by pure bliss. I looked around from the outskirts and knew I wanted to be a part of that. I wanted to be in the middle of the crowd, chanting the songs, and hugging all of my future friends. What all these people around me were so happy about I could not understand yet, but deep down, I knew that I needed to spend the next four years of my life at Carolina. I even have a very happy selfie of the two of us to remind me of that momentous occasion.
From nearly setting off the fire alarms in our first-year dorm to making the most of our virtual graduation, so much has changed since then it feels like. Thankfully for me, much like that night, Olivia has always been by my side celebrating the highs, the lows, and everything in between.
Olivia is the much-needed beer on Wednesday night before going back to study (bad decision, I know... but she’s worth it). She is the ball of energy you hug, lean on, and scream with during a stressful game. She is the dedicated partner you need for the long night ahead. She is the level-headed person you turn to whenever you need advice. She a long run in the woods on Sunday morning. She is YoPo on an off night. She is Golden Hour on a rainy day. She is all of this and so much more to me... trust me this list could go on and on!
Liv, you are spirited, determined, and loving beyond compare. Thanks for being an inspiration through and through. So lucky to have you as one of my forever people.
August 5, 2020
This image feels like something straight out of a Lorde song. I mean, c’mon “Tennis Courts” is absolutely iconic and heartbreaking. With that in mind, there is only one person this post could be about: Isa.
We went on a walk in early April. It was a bright Thursday morning, I had class at 11 AM, but it was more important for me to see Isa and be in her presence than worry about whatever the rest of the day had in store.
At this point, I was beginning to realize how different my life would be for the next few months. I already felt so alienated from those I loved and was consumed with concern about where I stood in these relationships. I remember trying to make sense of a problem far larger than either of us could wrap our heads around, but that was alright. And we walked and talked, going from random things that were irking us at a surface level, to the depths of what we were really afraid of – it’s always been easy to do that with Isa.
Few people know as much of my heart as she does. From the moment we met in our first year to this very day, there has never been a problem too big, a conflict too complex, a worry too bothersome to talk about with her. Our friendship is grounded in sincerity and growth to help the other be the best they can be. She listens intently and always says the right thing. She is compassionate beyond compare. And most of all, she knows when I’m lost and how to bring me back home.
We’ve had some of the best times over the past four years loudly singing songs and embarrassingly dancing the night away — I would not trade those memories for anything in the world. How special it is to have found a best friend in you.
August 7, 2020
I watched Lady Bird during one of my breaks from school in the Fall of 2017 all alone in a theater at Coco Walk in Miami, FL. Poetic, right? It’s one of my favorite movies to this day.
In the final scene, Christine stumbles into a church after a particularly bad night out – we’ve all been there at some point – and goes on to call her mother.
She says, “Hey, Mom. Did you feel emotional the first time that you drove in Sacramento? I did, and I wanted to tell you, but we weren’t really talking when it happened. All those bends I’ve known my whole life and stores and the whole thing… I wanted to tell you. I love you. Thank you. I’m… Thank you.”
It’s sincere, nostalgic, and heart-wrenching. I remember just sitting in the theater as the credits rolled in, unable to pick myself up. For me, the scene imbued a certain perspective about growing up that I had not reckoned with. Gratitude – especially gratitude for the place and people you call home.
I was so over the moon when I left Miami for Chapel Hill in August 2016. For the first time in my life, I felt free to be whomever I wanted; it was liberating for sure. Over the years, I grew in ways I did not even know I was capable of and I owe so much of who I’ve become to Chapel Hill.
Miami always seemed to be a footnote in this journey, but the distance from home helped me recognize just how important this place was, is, and will always be to me.
I think about the moment where the Dolphin Expressway goes over the Miami River and breaks off into I-95 Downtown. You go under that sign, around the bend, and the skyline dominates the view ahead. It’s best on a clear afternoon when you’re going towards the beach and the sun reflects off of the buildings or late at night when you’re going for a drive to clear your mind and the little dots illuminate the sky ahead.
Though that moment has drastically changed over the years, slowly becoming an idealized memory from my youth, it still feels like home.
To Hannah and Ashley, my greatest childhood friends, thank you for making this a place that I always look forward to coming back to – I don’t know where I’d be without you two. To Jenny, Alexa, and Brenda, thank you for inspiring me with your creativity every time we crossed paths. And to my family, thank you for the endless love and support through it all, you are what makes Miami home.
August 10, 2020
“Don’t hurry the journey at all. Better if it lasts for years, so you’re old by the time you reach the island, wealthy with all you’ve gained on the way. Not expecting Ithaka to make you rich. Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey. Without her you wouldn’t have set out.” — C.P Cavafy
Ithaka was Chapel Hill for a while and I did not even know it until I had to leave at the end of May.
In high school, I relentlessly worked towards a certain idea of what I needed from my college experience, and those preconceived notions were largely based on my expectation of having acquired “material riches” upon graduation. And now, I am an unemployed graduate pursuing filmmaking… hopefully that says enough about the riches I am trying to acquire these days. Jokes aside, I grew rich in things most humans only strive to experience fully throughout their lives while at Carolina — knowledge, empathy, joy, creativity, freedom, peace, inspiration, and most of all, the opportunity to love.
I initially intended for this to be a week-long project. And alas, here we are, months later. I honestly did not realize how much time I would need to process the end of this era and the beginning of a new one. The thought of moving forward still feels a bit odd when the world seems so still.
At the end of the day, this was an intensely personal effort to catalog some of the people who defined this moment in time, who shaped me into the person I am today, and who will continue to leave their lasting impact on me for as long as I live. Saying goodbye to them, and the place we called home, was more difficult than I could have ever imagined, but in remembering throughout the summer, I found some sense of peace.
It’s always been hard for me to let go, but I’m learning that it is a necessary part of life. The world around me will continue to change and time will never stop, but I think it’s safe to say that my friendships are here to stay.
To Spence, Cachine, Holden, Andrew, Davis, Carly, Helena, Caroline, Pavani, Sarah, Sydney, Tola, Stuart, Ann Burns, Lela, Miss Shapiro, Lucy Russell, Joanna, Mihir, Madison, all of BD, and everyone else that was a part of this wild experience: we created one hell of a world here in Chapel Hill.
While I’d love to grow old with y’all in this place, I know it’s time to set sail once again and find a new Ithaka somewhere beyond the horizon. I don’t know where that’ll be, who I’ll meet along the way, or what I’ll learn when all is said and done, but if it feels anything like this, it’ll be pretty damn perfect.
My little map of Chapel Hill is safely tucked away in my mind, filled with notes, ready to be pulled out whenever we get to stop by again.
The end, for now.
August 11, 2020